Many of my clients tell me they’re people pleasers. I wonder if this is because I spent a lot of my time and energy people-pleasing myself. It’s taken years of undoing and still rears its head from time to time, but for the most part, this tendency doesn’t get in my way anymore.
Here’s something important I’ve learned: we’re not “people pleasers,” it is a behaviour, not a label, that is stopping us from living into what is most important and showing up the way we want to.
Let’s start here: Most people who fall into people-pleasing genuinely do love helping others.
We often have strong values of service, empathy, compassion, and connection. That’s a good thing, and it won’t change when this default behaviour stops. In fact, the good news is that you’ll have more time and energy and be able to make authentic, powerful choices about how you honour your values.
While the term “people pleasing” suggests that someone leaves these interactions happy and satisfied, it’s very rarely true. When you live into your values, everyone involved gains from the exchange; boundaries are clear, compassionate, and respected; and there are no hidden motives or agendas.
While other people benefit when we people-please, ultimately, it is a disservice to all involved.
How do you know when you’re people pleasing tendency has taken over?
You’ll know a value has been taken too far when it no longer fulfills you and instead starts working against you. So if you find yourself giving to the point of exhaustion, resentment, and stalled personal progress, your values are being hijacked. You might find yourself thinking about how people rely on you and that it’s selfish to behave differently, but this is a lie. Rarely is this behaviour truly helpful for anyone.
Here are some signs you are in default people-pleasing mode:
- You are one or more people’s go-to person, but it’s not reciprocal, and, in your vulnerable moments, you might feel like nobody is there for you the way you are for them.
- Your friends and family compliment you on being “strong” and assume you “always have it all together.” You might even notice that some of your friends forget to ask how you are.
- You find yourself dropping your other priorities to help people.
- You might be hard-pressed to identify your preferences, needs, and desires.
- It’s difficult for you to ask for help.
- You sometimes find yourself judging the people you are “helping.”
- You often feel like it’s on you to fix or solve a problem, even when it’s technically not your responsibility.
- It feels selfish to talk about yourself and your needs.
- You’re tired, maybe even exhausted, and your tools for replenishing yourself don’t seem to fill up your tank for very long.
- You struggle with boundaries and saying no.
- You feel guilty taking time for yourself if someone else needs you.
- You believe you have to earn other people’s love and affection by helping, fixing, solving, and pleasing.
- You pride yourself on having the answers, being able to fix most problems, and giving good advice.
It can feel impossible to change this dynamic, so entrenched in our personal and professional relationships, but many of us who have been operating this way are becoming burned out, and this way of living is unsustainable.
So, what do you do now?
Start by noticing what brings out this tendency. Perhaps this STOP acronym will help you when faced with a request for help or a situation that triggers your Pleaser:
Please don’t beat yourself up for your history of people-pleasing. There is information here you can now use to make powerful choices.
If you’d like to find out what those new choices could look like, that’s what I’m here for.
